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this is not a dream

but I think tomorrow I’m going to end up drawing a lot of porn

that seems to be what I do lately when I’m feeling shitty lately

draw porn

watch porn

reblog porn

It’s usually harder or more fetishy stuff than cuddly things but it’s just this tendency to lean towards porn when I feel like this and I’m not really sure why

like tonight I’ve had the inclination to draw mothfaery tentacle sex or xenophilic alien dicks but I was too apathetic and tired to actually do anything

like the kind of tired where you hate everything and you’re too tired and unmotivated to accomplish anything worthwhile so instead you waste a lot of time because you’re not actually tired enough to be able to sleep and it just makes you feel more like shit

lets see how drawing tomorrow goes

hopefully I can get a lot done

I want to surprise Jade by getting her commissions done early

I don’t think I’ll post any pictures until I finish hers and I won’t post them until they’re done probably, like as a set

but I also really want to draw porn

so we’ll see I guess

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oh…

Had some really weird dreams last night

one of them my friends really anti-social cat was purring loudly and harrassing me

one of them my friend got themselves and their sister a drink and brought me one too. But, it was from a bubble tea place and they both got juices and mine was bigger but had WATER in it. So I was all excited but then it turned out to just be water. This is after we cleared some sort of challenging task that we had to do, and then we took a train/bus combination home, but it was actually pretty close to our homes anyway, and it was in a city that’s been in my dreams before..

The middle one was really the weirdest dream… possibly the weirdest dream I can remember having? I was a character from a show, and I was in this house with some other characters from the show. Then I decided that I needed a shower so I went to do that, but the other baths/showers(which have been in other dreams..) were being cleaned so I could only use the one from this guy’s room. So I go to get into the shower, and start showering when I see someone is laying in the bed and I’m like oh jesus who is that what if I wake them up what is going on. But I get in the shower and I guess they leave while I’m in there, because when the guy comes in they’re gone … So he comes into the room and calls me out of the shower, and sits on the bed. Then there is some pretty long oral sex that goes here and I am sticking to not describing sex shit that goes on in my dreams but it was really strange that it all happened just considering the two characters it was…

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blue

blonde

water

film

house

rented

curtains

bunkbed

boy

pool

bath

tile

white

hallway

yellowbeigeorange

Don’t really want to post this dream for everyone to read, cuz it’s a bit more personal, but I’m leaving these keywords here to remind myself, because I’m fond of it.

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Fragments about dreams where people die and are killed and the bodies and gore are no big deal. There’s lots of gore, but no one cares.

A place that’s in a lot of dreams. It’s sort of like the willows or sometimes attached to the willows. It’s almost always fall there, or the leaves are almost always orange. A perfect endless forest, sometimes lots of plank walkways and paths. Almost always attached to a great old house. almost always attached to a pool and or the ocean. almost always camping being done there by me or others. Usually quite dangerous place.

Last time there was a pool and a ‘summercamp’, pretty normal, impression of crime or punishment.

Wasn’t going to take these down, but I didn’t have anything really strong and I figured I should at least get down these fragments… Mostly the recurring scenery, since it does seem to come up quite a lot. The more I record the less I can forget.

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I keep remembering and forgetting a dream I had a week or so ago, maybe more..

I don’t have a lot of details anymore at all at this point, but I remember it had to do with me out exploring in the back of my dad’s old house in Maine. The one he built. There’s lots of woods back there, but in my dreams there’s even more.

I often dream about it back there, adventure and stuff.

But it’s always really different from how it actually is. And it’s pretty consistent on how it  is in my dreams.

In real life it’s this woods area behind my dad’s house as part of the cul-de-sac, which would eventually end if you walked through it far enough.. and then you’d get to the beach, too, and other houses..

But in my dreams it’s sort of like this endless expanse of woods and different terrain and sometimes I can just go into the forest and spend my dream with deer…

There’s kind of.. if you look straight it’s all woods it’s this great expansive woods… to the left is woods and a river.. and the more right you look the sandier the woods get and there’s sort of sand-pits and it gives off a ‘dragon’ feeling..

Some of the trees are absolutely huge and all these giant roots digging around in the ground to go over-through-under and all around..

Sometimes there’s dangers like Sasquatches or ‘hunters’. for some reason sometimes people are looking for me.

If things get too bad Joachim usually helps me…

I wish I could remember a specific dream in this setting right now, but it’s all too vague to really grasp at the moment..

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Forgot about this boy

I had a dream last night that continues from another line that I’d started before. It seems that scoundrels and ruthless boys like to reside in my subconscious…. I never wrote down the first part of this, and I can’t recall too much of it. But he was there and it was pretty much..

He is a boy, a thief. He’s got loose ginger curls, and he draws. At some point during the first dream he’d stolen things from me. This is about all I can remember now… I wish I could have more..

Anyway, in the dream I’ve just had I was walking with some friends, nameless faceless friends. The night goes on like a normal night would, walk around downtown Salem, get some dinner, carry on. And then I go to meet up with Coral at this place. She needed my help or something? Anyway, I go there and it’s sort of in the woods. I apparently walked there so it couldn’t have been too far. It was like a New Hampshire kind of woods, with dried orange pine needles all over the ground like a sharp forest carpet. I walk up to the entrance and and enter, it’s a restaurant? But then somewhere along the lines it warps and is something more like a BJs mixed with a Walgreens on the inside. It’s really strange and I’m walking around, trying to help people get what they need. How have I been recruited into working here?? Gosh. So my night finishes out, or I leave, or whatever. And there’s a child outside, so I sit with them until their parents can collect them.

Now there’s many children, one after another or sometimes in pairs, in a string. I watch the children, Coral gets in her car and goes off, and eventually the last child is collected. Now I walk home.

On my way home the path starts to look like the cobblestone of Essex st. and there’s shops all along the side as I go. I run into a boy, rather.. I see a boy from a small distance and immediately I tense up. I recognize him.. but from where?? For a moment I’ve realized that I’m dreaming, and that I’ve recognized him from another dream. But soon that feeling drifts off and I forget, I suppose. So I’m weary of him and walk by without incident; I’m singular and he seems occupied with a group.

As I walk and begin to relax with a false sense of security suddenly he’s behind he and whispers ‘hello’ into my ear. I jump and wince, swearing under my breath. I can feel him grinning as his hot breath blows against my neck, I frown.

He speaks again. “Your wallet, please?” but I tell him no. He pulls me off into an alley way. But.. it’s more like a side-street? Essex street has hidden side-areas more than alley ways. But this space is tighter than the usual side-streets.

He pushes me against a wall and produces a knife. He asks again. “Your wallet please, miss?” I grunt and shove him, but he holds me there. We scuffle and he slides my bag off my shoulder, making a mock curtsy before absconding. “Thank you M’dear.”

Bastard. I think. and then I would have preferred if it were Joachim, where is Joachim?? But there is no Kim tonight.

I walk to my grandparent’s house now, instead of home. There’s a theme in my dreams of my grandparent’s house being the safest place, apparently. Anyway. I’m walking home and slide my hands into my pocket. My jaw drops slightly as in my pocket is my important cards. There’s my MASS ID, my bank cards, my Charlie card, and my medical card. I’m extra relieved about this since my wallet had just been stolen(in real life) and the money that was in my wallet wasn’t much anyway. So the things that I lost in my bag weren’t honestly that upsetting. A sketchpad which was sad sure but replaceable, and some train fare to get to school. A few other small but equally mundane things were lost.

I begin to grin and hum a bit as I walk down shore ave to my grandparent’s house, standing on the seawall when I’m able. I’m feeling pretty clever right about now, for keeping all my hard to replace things in my pocket.

When I get to my grandparent’s house, I suppose they’re in Vermont for the weekend(?) so I’m there alone. Even the dog isn’t there. Strange, but alright.

So I go into my room there and I flop onto the bed, happy to get some rest.

Next morning I wake up and go into the livingroom. On the couch is my bag……. In it is nothing but my sketchapd. He’s drawn something in it and left a phone number. I wonder how he’s gotten in since everything was locked. So is he a magician too? Or just very clever?? I grunt and stare at the picture a while, mad about what he’s doing. Now I just want him to leave me alone, he can really just keep the train-fare! I don’t need him drawing in EVERY sketchpad he takes! (he’d done it in the first dream too, only we’d been sitting around and he drew on many of my pages, they’re really nice but it doesn’t change the fact that he’s a thief.)

My grandparents come back and apparently a hall office(that doesn’t exist in the real world) has been broken into. Nothing was stolen, but someone obviously has been in there and it stresses my grandparents.

I become increasingly annoyed and go to find the still-nameless boy.

I walk down the road and run into him. I grab him by the shoulder and spin him around and then we have a conversation. I unfortunately can’t remember the conversation, but I woke up right after that…

I want to know who he is and why he’s like that? He seems charming enough even though he behaves rudely sometimes. I think he’s only been in the two dreams so far, but I feel like I know more about him. This was a nice break from a pit of nightmares though, since I’ve been having a lot of those lately. Joachim has less dreams to himself but tends to pop up everywhere more-or-less… Even if something is terrible I feel less bad if I see a sign that he’s there. Even if he’s terrible I really enjoy his company.

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A lot of the time I can’t tell what’s a dream and what’s reality.

So people think I have a bad memory but really I just can’t tell if it’s real or not..

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When I was a child I’d always hear about how great artists were so great because of all the pain and suffering in their lives. So every time I looked at a beautiful work of art, regardless of if it was a painting, an illustration, sculpture, or anything else.. I would always think to myself

I wish I could have more pain. Why can’t I have more pain and be great like them?

This kept going on for some time into my adolescence… 

Now, for the most part my childhood was average, there were some good times and some bad times, and some times that really never ever should have happened. Somehow I would find myself thinking that the terrible things that happened weren’t bad enough to make me into a great artist, and I wanted more. I was absolutely under this illusion that pain was somehow filtered through some mathmatical equation or something, and magically became art power.

Every time I got beat up, isolated, bullied, every time something horrible would happen to me all I could think through the tears was ‘this will make me better, this will help me grow’. And I think that it stifled me.

Pain is not the base of art; emotion is. Any kinds of emotions. It’s the moods and feelings that you coax out from yourself and display to the world that powers your work.

Tags: not dreams
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Well that’s uncomfortable

I was just thinking of when my circle lenses might arrive and remembered my dream last night.

It started when I was at home and the mail arrived and it was finally the lenses! So I got really excited and went over Caitlin’s house. Caitlin got called away for a moment and already had her lenses in so I went to put my own in. I had a lot more trouble putting them in than I’d thought I would irl. But it wasn’t contact troubles, it was like my limbs were stiff and complicating everything. I finally got the first contact in and it felt really weird and kind of stung and I looked in the mirror and it was kind of stretched out, somehow?? Well I put the second in quickly and it was fine, but the first was still ruined.

The next part of the dream was part reccuring dream.

I was in this fancyish house (modern rich people house, nothing elaborate like older days) Sitting in the window when this girl I used to know walked by. I was making coffee for some reason so I was pretending not to notice her because she’d been a huge asshole and just dropped myself and some of her closer friends out of her life for no reason whatsoever. Anyway, she looked guilty and I thought ‘good’.

Apparently I messed up with the coffee and I’m now in this like really small cell in the same room. It’s nighttime and the whole room has an orange tint to it. I have to escape or on the third night I’ll be killed. I’m not told this I just know it? I think I know the rules because the escape is the part of the dream that happened before, and the building. In the first dream I escape.

On the second day I finally notice there’s a grate in my cell. I can easily get in because it’s not secured at all, so I go down it but am caught and put back in my cell. That’s it, if I get caught again there’s not third day anyway. So I sit in my cell and try to think of ways to escape. Whispering with the person in the cell next to me about paths to take. Well I’m thinking about the last time I escaped and I’d done it through the vent at night time. That was my mistake is moving too fast and trying to go during the day I guess when everyone was still around. But now that I tried it once they’ll have security guards there.

I’m unable to think of an alternative and the next day I’m removed from my cell and brought to the guy that runs everything. I expect to be decapitated but he just.. lets me go. He pats me on the back and says ‘If I killed you now, we couldn’t have our game any longer’

I’m really confused, but thankful, and get some coffee before I leave. That girl is there again and trying to tag along with me. I pretty much tell her fuck off and then walk away, and then the dream is over.

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Last night

my room is sort of messy right now due to work and school and christmas prep, etc… so there’s a lot of things on my floor at the moment.

Last night some of my things were slid around the floor, and a while later there was petting on my head.

The sliding doesn’t happen too often, and hasn’t happened since Coral’s keys the first time she slept over my house in highschool.

The petting hasn’t really happened a lot since E visited, but used to happen a LOT. Makes me think that there was two separate things here because E says she still gets pet back at her house which is in another country..

Also just remembered about the time about a month and a half ago when I came into my room and there was a child sat in my corner, like crouched and staring. I sort of just ignored it and didn’t think too much of the occurring. It didn’t exactly give me a negative feeling and for some reason I wasn’t really spooked by it. Sort of just like ‘huh, kayyy..”